Reflecting On My Past


Have you ever sat and reflected back to your childhood?  Have you ever wondered why a person became who they are; what shaped their personality?

I speculated for decades about my Father.  I thought often about what shaped my Father’s mind.  I could never understand why my Father could not express love.  I never heard Dad say, I love you, to my Mother.  I never heard my Father say, I love you, to me or my three siblings.  Dad told his friends that he loved his family.  He spent most of his free time with his friends and not his family.

Dad never hugged his children, he did not play with us, he did not attend any of our school functions and not once did he compliment us on an achievement.

Dad was grouchy quite often.  We described Dad to our childhood friends as a verbally mean person.  Dad was definitely not the type Father depicted in the old t.v. show, “Father Knows Best”.  I felt cheated when I observed the loving Fathers of my school friends. When I was in my 40s and living 1,500 miles across country from my parents; I wrote loving, kind, inspiring letters to my Father for 7 months.  Not once did I obtain a response from my Father in any way.  Mom told me years later he reread and cherished my letters, but I did not know he felt as he did.  My Father died of a massive heart attack in 1999.  I felt devastated that I never obtained that loving relationship with my Father.

Mom was our rock, our parent.  She told each of us she loved us.  Mom helped us, defended us, and supported us until her death in 2002.  Thank you Mom for shaping our lives and showing us how to express love to others.

My husband is a great Father.  He has the relationship with our Daughter that I always wanted to have with my Father.  My husband is a great and loving Grandfather to our Granddaughter.  I never had a relationship with either of my Grandfathers.  I am extremely happy my Daughter and Granddaughter have these wonderful relationships.

When God tells us to Love One Another – we need to follow this commandment.  To love a child, an adult, another race of people – enriches our lives tremendously.  Learn to show love.  This is the answer to making this world a better place. ♥♥♥

24 thoughts on “Reflecting On My Past

      1. I remember my mom sitting with her mother-in-law (who hated Mom) when she was dying. None of her own children cared enough to sit with their own Mother. That is when we see the good people in this world like you and my Mother.

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      2. Vicki

        death is not easy for people to face. when my mother died, I was at her bedside until the day before when it was obvious that she had little time, but I had rapid heartbeat the night before and the nurses thought that we didn’t need the two of us in the hospital so I went home. My daughter was with her until she left this earth..

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  1. Awww I feel this regret and sadness Peggy.. So often I hear this story of people not expressing their love.. And my heart goes out to you as you look back.. I am pleased your Mum was your rock..

    For me, my memories are a Dad who was strict..and who at times could be stern and dish out punishments. But he would often tell me he loved me.. Which made up for my Mum.. As it was the opposite way around for me.. Being the eldest of 5 I think my Mum just was too busy with everyone else.. My very youngest sibling got everything while I was nicked named ‘Little Mother’ by my aunt..

    My middle sister still says I was more of Mum to her than our Mother.. Yet my Mother had very loving parents and I spent many happy hours staying with her parents my grandparents over school holidays as they lived a distance away..
    I never knew why I was always it seemed singled out to be denied her love Any way I have gone on too long …

    But going back to your last time of seeing your Dad.. my Mother gave up speaking to me for 10 yrs after divorcing Dad and I wouldn’t take sides and kept in touch with him.. I tried more than once to bridge that gap but got shut out.. I ran into her 3 months before she died.. Literally running into each other in our local town.. I spoke to her asking how she was, She never answered and turned around and almost ran in the other direction..

    I always think the Universe gave her that last chance to speak and she didn’t take it.. Yes Peggy there are many times like you I too look back reflecting on my past..

    My heart and thoughts are with you xxx ❤

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    1. You know Sue – It is a wonder any of us turn out with compassion when our parents are so dysfunctional. That is sad that your Mother could not speak to you the last time you saw her. I am glad you had your grandparents. Love to you Sue xxxx

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  2. evaason

    For me it was the opposite, my mother was the cold one, deciding to leave us when I was very little and I grew up with dad. I am looking back at it every now and again. I’m so sorry to hear about your experience 😦

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    1. I am sorry to hear your Mother left you. That is very sad. I am glad you had your Father in your life. From all those who have commented there are a lot of dysfunctional parents in this world. That too is very sad.

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  3. PaperPuff

    This is such a sad situation. I am truly sorry you were not able to have a good relationship with your father. It should be one of the most joyful things in life. I was lucky enough to have a great dad. He gave both me and my sister the same nickname, which was ‘Gorgeous’. All our friends loved him too. Even though he had unkind treatment from his parents in childhood, he managed not to continue the cycle. At least you know that your daughter has a great father (and mother!) to care for her.

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    1. Thanks for your comments. I am very happy you had such a wonderful Father – that is a true blessing. Gorgeous is a great nickname. My husband calls our Daughter and Granddaughter – “Baby Dolls”. xxx

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  4. I am so sorry Peggy, that you did not get to experience the unconditional love of an earthly father. I never heard my dad say he loved me till I was older. About 15 years ago, he and my mom went to the same retreat that I worked at the other weekend. I think it opened his eyes to the fact that it was good to tell people how you felt about them and that God honored that. As a kid I always knew he loved me by the way he acted. His actions spoke love when his words could not. A few years ago, after a difficult job situation, my dad told me that he was proud of me. I cried. That is a highlight of my relationship with my dad. He is going to be 84 next month.
    I am so glad your husband is a great father and grandfather. God knew you would need a good man who could show his love to those around him. I am so glad you are blessed by that now.

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    1. Thanks for your comments. I am glad your Father was able to learn to express love for you and your family. Dad abused my Mother – he spent his time in bars with his friends. Mom and I worked very hard to save his soul, but nothing worked. Dad came from a very dysfunctional family, with parents that never knew how to love. His parents and siblings did a lot of awful things to each other. I truly understand why my Dad had emotional problems. Love is the key to having a good life. I thank God every day for my husband. He is a good Christian man.

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      1. I am also grateful that you know the love of our Heavenly Father. My sister-in-law has the same type of background as you do. My heart aches for her, but she has a strong faith and considers my dad as her earthly dad.
        My dad was 10 when his father passed away. In those 10 years he learned how to be a godly man. I am so grateful for that.

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      2. It truly is nice to hear the stories of others who have trials in their lives – yet they overcome those trials and tribulations and seek the Lord. I am glad your sister-in-law had your Father in her life. My brother became a preacher and he brought me to the Lord. I thank God for my brother.

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  5. Light Ministry Blog

    I’m certain your father loved all of you very much. He was simply from a generation which taught men that they were to “wear a toughness,” as strength to protect and provide for their families. Our Father above reveals Himself in love and in our weaknesses He shows His strength. It’s a completely different kind of loving…good, honest post!


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